Paranoid Much??

Is there ever a situation you're in when you get really paranoid and even though you don't want to be, or even have any real reason to be, you can't help this crazy feeling you have that something is about you?

Let's say for the sake of argument I have this friend that I talk to and we have gotten a little closer as the weeks and months have passed and all of the sudden this friend stops talking to me as much as they were. Now, in this situation, what do I do? I become paranoid. I go over and over in my mind what the last few things, or actually everything, I've said to this person that would make them stop talking to me. And even though I can't think of anything, and even though I have information that shows it may have absolutely nothing to do with me at all, I still can't help but wonder.

This is a side of me that I *know* needs to be changed. And my goodness I am trying so hard not to be so "me" about this one, but it's just not working out so well for me. My issue is that if I ask this person and it turns out that it really doens't have anything to do with me, I feel like a complete and total ass for even worrying about it in the first place. Not to mention complete embarrassment for thinking it's all about me, me, me.

So, I've also as of late been working on the patience thing. So I'm thinking that I need to combine the two here and be patient, and maybe my friend will talk to me about why we haven't talked, and I'll find out it wasn't about me, and I'll be able to help said friend with whatever's going on with them. At the very least, be there for them and listen if they need to talk or vent or whatever. What if, though, it turns out to be about me after all?

Then what?



Oh and by the way, school is going great. Still getting an "A" average and actually understanding what I'm learning. LFMAO!!!!

When In Doubt...

Why is it so hard for us to do something we really want to do? Why do we fear a certain reaction when we know, maybe only deep down, but we know, which reaction we are really going to get. What is it that makes, well, some of us anyway, not do the thing we want to do and then be upset about it later? Is it really the nerve we have already ingrained in us or is it something else?

For me at least I already know the answer. I have no nerve. I have no guts.......well, sometimes anyway. So if there's something that I really want, I can't just take it, or do whatever I have to to get it. Which is kinda sad really considering everything else I'm comfortable doing lol. Seriously though, what I mean is that in certain situations, I find that what I want is just beyond my grasp. There are times when I could care less about the consequences of my actions and I do what I want, but sometimes something prevents me in these crucial moments from doing just that. And unfortunately in these moments that I don't take what I want, I end up thoroughly disappointing myself and wishing I could just turn back the time and do it all over again. I highly doubt I would end up with different results so I may just go back again and again and again until I actually got the nerve to do what I needed to do lol.

What I'm mostly curious about at the moment is why we get so mad at ourselves, at least I do, not so sure about the rest of you, but yet we do absolutely nothing different the next time the opportunity arises. It's the same thing over and over again. Just a vicious circle of doubt and want and doing nothing about it. Take a chance for the love of god! Do something instead of just whining about it!!

Expectations

Sometimes our expectations of things are way too high. So why are we then disappointed afterwards? It's not like we didn't know, maybe deep down, that certain things weren't going to happen the way we would have preferred them to. I'm of the opinion that no matter what we may "know", we generally don't pay attention to that, but concentrate instead on what we want. We shouldn't be surprised in those cases to find that things aren't all that they're cracked up to be. We shouldn't get frustrated... irritated... annoyed... downright pissed off...

But we do.. well, some people do (me included), but others handle disappointment much better. I on the other hand handle it like.... *stomps feet and throws a fit* ... like that :D

LOL.. ok, not always, but sometimes. In this case, almost. I felt like throwing a fit, stomping my feet and clenching my fists like a child with a scowl on my face, ripping my hair out of my head, anything to keep me from screaming as loud as I can. :D I didn't really do any of that, but I wanted to.

Here's to hoping next time either my expectations aren't too high or the disappointment isn't quite so bad. lol

So... idk

It's been so damn long since I came here, let alone even thought about something to write. First of all, for those of you who may happen upon this, still doing well in school. Grades just came in, still A's so that's good. Learning medical terms right now... I have one word to say about that. ICK! Fun though, actually, so I'm not complaining too much. It's quite easy after you learn the word parts. And I've finally remembered why I detested index cards in HS. Oh well, it's how I learn best so might as well just get over it and carry on. LOL

So anyway... not much else going on besides school and work. Going through some rough times, but that's life right? Live and learn and all that jazz. I have learned something about myself that, after 29 years on this earth you'd think I would have realized by now. I get easily attached to people, very easily attached. And while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's not *always* a good thing either. Sometimes it's a big mistake, sometimes just a little one... and sometimes it's a bit of both. Especially if a real friendship that has a very good chance of continuing is cultivated in the process of becoming attached to that person. Anyway, things will work out for the best. Even if they don't, we move on and try again. :D

Grades, Spades, and.. um, Easter

Ok, so first off I'd like to toot my own horn, if you don't mind. As you probably know, I'm taking online college courses, and I just checked my overall grades for my two current classes this afternoon. In one class I'm getting a 96.5% and in the other a 97.2%!! HOLY CRACKER! I did fairly well in High School, but my grades generally averaged in the B range. I did receive some A's, but nothing like this. Admittedly, the classes I'm taking at the moment are not difficult compared to what I know is coming, but I'm still proud of myself. It's no secret that I have been much busier lately than in the past, but I stick to my study schedule every single day, no matter what is going on in my life. If this keeps up, I might actually graduate with a decent GPA, lol.

I adore Easter for many reasons, but one of the main ones is because I like to see how adorable the kids are dressed that day. It seems everyone I know puts their kids in little suits and the most gorgeous dresses on Easter. For instance, one of my friend's sons was wearing a gray and white pin-striped suit. SO FREAKIN' CUTE!!!! Anyway, for Easter this year one of my girlfriends took her three daughters shopping and bought them matching shorts and shirts. Then she and her boyfriend bought shirts to match the girls. Obviously the adult's shirts weren't the same exact ones as the kid's, just the colors matched, but they all looked so damn cute together. The girls all wore these matching plaid shorts, which I generally don't think are cute, but were in this case.

One of my friends encountered a bit of a dilemma when shopping for Easter presents this year. She has three girls and when she buys one something, the other two get the same thing. If not, then she hears "Mom got this for me." "No, she didn't, it's mine!" and so on. You get my point. She has to buy 3 of everything. But what do you do when you find two of something, but can't find a third. She encountered this problem while shopping for summer toys for the girls. Wanting to give them something they could play with at the beach she looked for those sets of shovels, and buckets and such that always pop up around the summer. She found two, but she couldn't find a third one. Hours we spent, going from store to store, looking for a third. Finally we found one, thankfully. Each of the girls was very happy with their gift and that always makes me smile.

Little White Lies That Turn Into Big Ones

This is proof positive why you should NOT lie to people. When you tell someone a little white lie, no matter your reasons for doing it, you are pushing yourself into a corner you cannot get out of without telling the person you lied and having to fess up to the truth at some point. If you don't get caught in the lie, then you don't have to worry about it. But how often does it happen that we do actually get away with it? Not often I think.

As an example let me bore you with this little story. I told a friend of mine what I thought at the time was a little lie, no big deal. Wrong. As time passed I had to make up more information about the lie because I was too embarrassed to admit the truth. Well, I have now told this person the truth, though I did it in an email like a wimp. I won't know the outcome of this for a few days at least, but I'm terrified of what my friend will say to me. I hope they won't be so mad at me that they stop talking to me but that certainly is a possibility.

Aren't we all taught from a very young age how wrong it is to lie to anyone about anything? I know sometimes in our lives we make a call when we think the lie is the better road to take for various different reasons. But is that really true? I'm not saying that you should always tell everyone exactly what you think, that would just be ridiculous and you'd probably piss a lot of people off that way. I guess I'm just curious about when is it okay to lie? Where do you draw the line? In this case it wasn't anything I consider that big a deal, just a detail about me that I was not truthful about. But again, the little lie itself turned bigger as time went on.

And I truly feel that if you are trying to build a friendship with someone you should not lie to them. A guilty conscious pushed me into telling my friend the truth and I just might regret doing that.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.