Foolish

Ok, so here I am again. It's Sunday afternoon and I have just finished something I thought would take me MUCH longer than it did. I'm sitting here on my comp with music playing in the background, and I started thinking about a few things I forgot to put on my last post. And since there is NOBODY AROUND and I am very easily bored, I figured why not post to my blog again....

So, first of all, the winner for the "What Genre Do You Read?" poll, even though it was multiple choice, is Sci-Fi/Fantasy, with Mystery/Thriller/Suspense coming in a close second. Thank you to everyone who participated in the poll, it is greatly appreciated.

I don't have brilliant thoughts. Or even thoughts that would be classified in the smart area. I look through things that my friends write and I wonder how in the world they can express themselves the way they do. I try to and just end up doing the following: confusing people, rambling on and completely leaving the point, not making any sense whatsoever, or just boring the pants off people. Seriously, if you know me then at least part of you knows this is true. You may not want to admit it, but it is. What do I know how to do besides flirt with anyone I deem worthy and act like a moron? Nothing, that's what. And for the record, the whole flirting thing HAS to stop. It does me no good. All it does is get me into trouble and put me in situations that I would rather avoid in the end. Being a natural flirt, it's hard to shut it off, but I am damn determined to do just that. (See? Getting off the point again.)

Anyway, some people I know think that I am smarter than I actually am. I don't know where they get ideas like that because, if they've actually listened to the things I have said, it is perfectly clear that I am far from smart. I can't offer insight to a person's situation and help them resolve whatever problem they are having like others can because I never know what to say to them. Ever! I always feel lame about it too because I would love to be able to help my friends. That's what friends do for each other. And I have a few friends who help me out practically on a daily basis and I can't seem to return the favor when they need it. When people around me are having discussions about something in politics, or history, or almost any other subject, I just sit back and watch the conversation. I don't contribute because I can't. I don't know what to say. In person I am extremely shy and I don't speak my mind the way I do when I'm on my computer. I will not open my mouth around people just because I am afraid that they will think what I have to say is as stupid as I think it is. There are certain occasions where I do speak my mind but generally those only happen when I'm pissed off about something. Then watch out! I take no prisoners. I am ruthless at those times. But the crap I say isn't smart, it's just emotional shit that is better left alone and unexpressed.

It seems that, these days, my emotions are taking a ride on a rollercoaster. I have days when I'm content and quiet, but for the most part it is either at the extreme where I am a total wreck and can barely function, or I am obsessed with one thought alone and nothing will deter me from it no matter what I try. I hide it well when I'm in one of my wreck modes. I hide it from my friends and from my family because I don't want them worrying about me. They have other concerns than my current state of mind, or continuing state of mind. But some days it is very hard indeed to pretend like nothing is bothering me. It's becoming harder and harder to pull myself out of these depressed states when it happens. I thought that keeping a journal, a private one that nobody but me knows the location of or what's written in it, would help me out, but all it has done is make me even more upset when I use it. Instead of these feelings at least alleviating a little bit, they seem to become stronger when I put my thoughts down. I was always told, like everyone else, that bottling these things up is never a good idea. But maybe it's best not to let the people around you know just how miserable you are with your life and how helpless you feel to change anything about it.

Another thing is, I don't make smart decisions regarding my life, or even some of the people I associate with. I am friends with people I have no business being friends with, and I could care less. It's completely selfish of me to keep these friends around for me and my amusement, but that is why I do keep them around. Not smart. Foolish. And quite frankly, mean as hell. If they knew who they were I'm sure they'd kick me in the ass and turn their backs on me. Who could blame them? It's what I would do if I found out that somebody was just pretending to be my friend. And more to the point, it's what I deserve and I know it. But just because I know it doesn't mean that I'm going to change it. All of you who think you know me, really don't know me that well. Until now you never realized just how horrible I can truly be at times. There are friends I have that I truly love and appreciate more than they will ever know. And there are some in particular that I don't know what I'd do without at this point in my life. I just hope I never have to know.