When We Get What We Want

As much as I try, I can't make this blog what I originally intended it to be. I set it up with the hope that I would wax poetic on all kinds of subjects and that it would be, to some at least, somewhat educational...to a very mild extento to be sure. But I never took into consideration, at that time anyway, how truly emotional and personal I really am. I can't make fun blog posts, I can't do witty comments and stories, I can't do educational information. Trust me, I've tried. Every time I go to write a post, which I haven't done since last year sometimes for various reasons, it turns out completely different from what I want it to. They usually turn into some emotional spew about whatever subject I'm rambling about. So, it's time to stop fighting the inevitable and just go with the flow. Because recently I have realized something I should have figured out a long ass time ago. And quite frankly something that everyone around me already knows about me as it is as obvious as the nose on my face. I am an extremely emotional person. At times sensitive to the point of ridiculousness, overreacting to a situation like I'm a child throwing a fit. What kind of 30 year old acts that way? Nevermind, that's another day's post I think. My point is that I'm done trying to make this blog, and myself, what it is not.

So, that being said I'm going to now rant, ramble, and spew emotion on a subject I've spent quite a lot of time thinking about as of late.

Because you see, I have some limited experience on this subject.

So here's my question to you...What do we do when we finally get what we want? Now keep in mind that I mean anything; new products on the market, houses, but even the friends and lovers we want. Rarely do we stand back and go, "Well, now that I have what I want, I can stop being such a pain in the ass and enjoy myself for a while." No, what we do is look at what we've been trying to get, then look for the next best thing after it. Is anything ever good enough?

When I got married I thought I'd finally had what I'd been wanting. For a while I was happy, but eventually I was looking for something better and different. Perhaps it was the situation I was in at the time, but one day I just ended it. I'm sure it was lots of things that finally just got to me, I don't know. I finally put a stop to the constant misery, sorrow, and heartache. That's not important though. What is important is that after it was all said and done and I got what I wanted, it doesn't really matter.

Though marginally more happy overall than I was a year ago at this time...as a few of you can atest to...there's still something, or rather a lot of things, missing. I want more. But at the same time I don't know what that more actually is. So maybe it's not the way I think. Maybe it's more of a what we *think* we want type situation and not really what we do want. I mean, lets face it, how many of us are actually truly happy with our lives and what we have?

Do I sound ungrateful or like the biggest pain in the ass? I don't try to. I just try to speak my mind...unfortunately when I do that, all those nasty and inconvenient emotions tend to surface and pop out.

What We Miss...

You know the most frustrating thing about leaving all your friends and family behind? It's everything you end up missing. Now, for those of you that know me, you know that I'm getting a divorce, and I've been separated for around 6 months now. So I still shouldn't be thinking about this, but for some reason it's been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe it's regret, maybe it's guilt, maybe it's a combination of both. I don't really know, but I do know that I am hugely regretting a lot of decisions I made back when I was 23... good lord, it really doesn't seem like it's been almost 7 years, but it has. And trust me when I say I got some really big shocks when I came back. Good shocks, but shocks nonetheless. I've seen a lot more things I would have missed since I came back and I am soooooooo glad that I did. I don't want to miss anymore!

The one thing I will never forgive myself for is the way I just up and left everyone. Stopped talking to people. Stopped seeing people. Stopped doing anything with anybody. Let's put aside for the moment, that I did this to my family as well as my friends, cause this I hate to think about even more, but we'll get to that in a minute. What I want to talk about right now is the thing that bugs me the most about not seeing people who, even though they are my friends and no blood relation to me, I have always thought of them as family. Not only did I miss the teenagers growing up into adults and starting their own lives and having their own kids, I also missed the kids that were already around growing up. And when I talk about this, I want you to understand something. All of these kids I am talking about, I was very close to. Some of them I even call my babies to this very day, because no matter how much time has passed with me being away, I never forgot them. Not one day went by that I didn't think about them. Now, imagine having these kids with you on a daily basis. Taking them with you wherever you went, doing anything and everything with them, and being around them all the time. Then just leaving them. Not calling again. Not coming over anymore. I mean, who does that? Especially to a kid? How can they possibly understand any reason I have for that? Which, I readily admit, there are no good ones. Just plain stupidity on my part and that is the honest to God's truth.

Thankfully though, I am blessed enough that, after a certain amount of time, those particular kids learned to trust me again...at least somewhat lol. They still give me grief and pick on me because I left, but I honestly don't blame them for that and I laugh along with em when they say that I'll probably do it again. But what they don't know is that I never would. I made that mistake once in my life and I absolutely refuse to do it again. So, no matter what anyone says, or who I'm going to be with in the future, I won't be the same person I was when I was 23. Mostly because I'm not that person right now lol.

Now, I'm going to quickly skate over the fact that I'm a horrible aunt and in the 6 years of my marriage, I barely saw anyone in my family, even my nephews. Horrible, really, when you sit there and think about it. What was stopping me from saying, screw this, I'm going to see so and so... yada, yada, you know what I mean. Again, I have no good reason. But again, I am blessed because my family wants what's best for me and as long as I at least appear to be happy, then they are too. And they, like my awesome friends, are an amazingly forgiving bunch and I don't know what I'd do without any of them, friends and family both, right now. They have been more helpful and supportive than I could have hoped for. Some even going above and beyond what I expected or deserve....and you know who you are and how much I love ya :D.

I know I'll never get that time back that I missed. Nor will I ever be able to turn back the clock and do it all over again. But I guess that's a part of life and how we learn. We grow more when we make mistakes I think than we do when things go right. Now, it's true I'm more closed off to other people than I was before, but that's ok. Those whom are close to me know me well enough that they don't need me to explain to them when something's wrong all the time. And I will tell you out of all of the people I am close to, there are really only a few who can actually pull things out of me easily. The rest of you fight and struggle to figure out what the hell my problem is, and I'm sorry for that, but I am trying to change that. Not that I wanna turn into a whinny idiot who spills all her problems to every person she knows all the time. But to be able to open up to others that are close to me, would really make me happier than I am with myself lol. Here I go, rambling on again, completely getting off the point......What I was gonna say was that even though I know I can't get the time back that I lost. I know that now I have the chance to at least see how things turn out with all these people I care about from here on out. I get to see kids going to HS for the first time, and going on Spring Break for the first time out of state, and just......growing. And I love it. I wouldn't change anything about my life at the moment.

I will not leave again. I love you all more than I can explain, and more than some of you realize, or believe. :) I need you guys in my life because you have always been on my mind. I don't know how I lived my life without you before, but I certainly won't be doing it again.

Paranoid Much??

Is there ever a situation you're in when you get really paranoid and even though you don't want to be, or even have any real reason to be, you can't help this crazy feeling you have that something is about you?

Let's say for the sake of argument I have this friend that I talk to and we have gotten a little closer as the weeks and months have passed and all of the sudden this friend stops talking to me as much as they were. Now, in this situation, what do I do? I become paranoid. I go over and over in my mind what the last few things, or actually everything, I've said to this person that would make them stop talking to me. And even though I can't think of anything, and even though I have information that shows it may have absolutely nothing to do with me at all, I still can't help but wonder.

This is a side of me that I *know* needs to be changed. And my goodness I am trying so hard not to be so "me" about this one, but it's just not working out so well for me. My issue is that if I ask this person and it turns out that it really doens't have anything to do with me, I feel like a complete and total ass for even worrying about it in the first place. Not to mention complete embarrassment for thinking it's all about me, me, me.

So, I've also as of late been working on the patience thing. So I'm thinking that I need to combine the two here and be patient, and maybe my friend will talk to me about why we haven't talked, and I'll find out it wasn't about me, and I'll be able to help said friend with whatever's going on with them. At the very least, be there for them and listen if they need to talk or vent or whatever. What if, though, it turns out to be about me after all?

Then what?



Oh and by the way, school is going great. Still getting an "A" average and actually understanding what I'm learning. LFMAO!!!!

When In Doubt...

Why is it so hard for us to do something we really want to do? Why do we fear a certain reaction when we know, maybe only deep down, but we know, which reaction we are really going to get. What is it that makes, well, some of us anyway, not do the thing we want to do and then be upset about it later? Is it really the nerve we have already ingrained in us or is it something else?

For me at least I already know the answer. I have no nerve. I have no guts.......well, sometimes anyway. So if there's something that I really want, I can't just take it, or do whatever I have to to get it. Which is kinda sad really considering everything else I'm comfortable doing lol. Seriously though, what I mean is that in certain situations, I find that what I want is just beyond my grasp. There are times when I could care less about the consequences of my actions and I do what I want, but sometimes something prevents me in these crucial moments from doing just that. And unfortunately in these moments that I don't take what I want, I end up thoroughly disappointing myself and wishing I could just turn back the time and do it all over again. I highly doubt I would end up with different results so I may just go back again and again and again until I actually got the nerve to do what I needed to do lol.

What I'm mostly curious about at the moment is why we get so mad at ourselves, at least I do, not so sure about the rest of you, but yet we do absolutely nothing different the next time the opportunity arises. It's the same thing over and over again. Just a vicious circle of doubt and want and doing nothing about it. Take a chance for the love of god! Do something instead of just whining about it!!

Expectations

Sometimes our expectations of things are way too high. So why are we then disappointed afterwards? It's not like we didn't know, maybe deep down, that certain things weren't going to happen the way we would have preferred them to. I'm of the opinion that no matter what we may "know", we generally don't pay attention to that, but concentrate instead on what we want. We shouldn't be surprised in those cases to find that things aren't all that they're cracked up to be. We shouldn't get frustrated... irritated... annoyed... downright pissed off...

But we do.. well, some people do (me included), but others handle disappointment much better. I on the other hand handle it like.... *stomps feet and throws a fit* ... like that :D

LOL.. ok, not always, but sometimes. In this case, almost. I felt like throwing a fit, stomping my feet and clenching my fists like a child with a scowl on my face, ripping my hair out of my head, anything to keep me from screaming as loud as I can. :D I didn't really do any of that, but I wanted to.

Here's to hoping next time either my expectations aren't too high or the disappointment isn't quite so bad. lol

So... idk

It's been so damn long since I came here, let alone even thought about something to write. First of all, for those of you who may happen upon this, still doing well in school. Grades just came in, still A's so that's good. Learning medical terms right now... I have one word to say about that. ICK! Fun though, actually, so I'm not complaining too much. It's quite easy after you learn the word parts. And I've finally remembered why I detested index cards in HS. Oh well, it's how I learn best so might as well just get over it and carry on. LOL

So anyway... not much else going on besides school and work. Going through some rough times, but that's life right? Live and learn and all that jazz. I have learned something about myself that, after 29 years on this earth you'd think I would have realized by now. I get easily attached to people, very easily attached. And while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's not *always* a good thing either. Sometimes it's a big mistake, sometimes just a little one... and sometimes it's a bit of both. Especially if a real friendship that has a very good chance of continuing is cultivated in the process of becoming attached to that person. Anyway, things will work out for the best. Even if they don't, we move on and try again. :D